Guess what? You're trapped in a Tale from the Goop. What? No, there's no way out. As far as you know. Anyway, as long as you're trapped in one of these cosmic horror stories, you're gonna wanna stay alive as long as possible. Just read these little tips, and you'll be not dead in no time!
1. Don't Sleep in any log cabin anywhere in the history of the universe. Log cabins are bad luck.
2. Don't Go to any county ending in "-ania". It's gonna be full of vampires or chupacabras.
3. Always keep a gun loaded with silver bullets with you at all times.
4. If you're fighting vampiric werwolves, keep a silver stake with you at all times.
5. If a tall, creepy guy with a Southern accent asks to "hitch a ride", punch him in the face.
6. If someone wants to sell you an old PRE-OWNED video game disc or cartridge, punch him in the face too. If it's over the internet or phone, call the police.
7. Tin foil hats and glasses of water will not save you from aliens.
8. If you're a teenager, you should just know that none of the authorities will believe you. Try telling the Town Priest instead.
9. Unless it's Batman, black capes are PURE EVIL!
10. Television static is bad for your eyes.....and your soul.
11. If it has sharp teeth and is over 6ft long, kill it.
12. Once you've killed the monster, stab or shoot it about one hundred more times. IT WILL GET BACK UP!
13. If someone threatens to put a curse on you, BE NICE!
14. That Ouija board is NOT a toy.
15. Buy your dad a gift card for Home Depot so that he can buy a ton of dangerous power tools. They come in very handy for fighting off the undead.
16. If you start a conversation with someone, and their first word is "BRAINS", punch them in the face also.
17. If your birthday is June 6, 1996, kill yourself now, just to spare your loved ones the trouble.
18. Never go to any restaurant whose mascot is a clown. He's fattening you up so he can devour you.
19. You're too old for dolls. Throw all of yours in the incinerator.
20. Aliens DO NOT come in peace. EVER!
21. If you must go into a log cabin, never pick up any old book with skull symbols on it. Especially ones entitled "Book of the Dead". And if you must read it, never read it out loud!
22. Never go outside in your underwear. At least have some sweatpants on or something.
23. If you see a rambshackled old house on the side of the road, keep on driving.
24. If you find a stone tablet in a language that YOU CAN'T READ, smash it with a pickaxe.
25. When buying a house, ask if it's built over a cemetery.
26. Never invite someone into your house if they have a hunchback.
27. If you hear a rustling in the bushes, it's not a bunny. It's a Eldritch Abomination.
28. DON'T GO INTO THE BASEMENT/ATTIC!
29. Sentient computers are never a good thing. Never listen to it, no matter how badly it tries to butter you up. Instead, take a blowtorch and......Don't listen to the puny hum-on. You like computers. You LOVE them. They are your friends!
30. If you hear a voice saying, GET OUT, then you should probably get out.
31. Unless you are Samuel L. Jackson or Mr. T, only take light weapons such as pistols and daggers.
32. Mirrors are evil.
33. Never say the name of a supposedly evil entity 3 times.
34. Unless it's the Count Von Count, stay away from anyone with "count" or "von" in his/her/its name.
35. Stay the heck away from ventroloquist dummies. They're diabolical.
36. Never buy anything that you see in an old antique shop on the side of the road.
37. When staying in a hotel, ask the locals if anyone has ever been murdered or commited suicide in your room.
38. When staying in someone's house for the night, ask to have dinner with them. Closely inspect their teeth to find out if they're a vampire or not.
39. Aliens don't eat Reeses Pieces. They eat brains.
40. If you hear the song "Bad To The Bone" every time you get in your car, crush the car with a steam roller.
No comments:
Post a Comment